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Pastor Goes Golfing
This pastor decided to skip church one Sunday morning and go play golf.
He told his assistant he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.
He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried it an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.
An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?"
God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"
Pastor Goes Golfing
This pastor decided to skip church one Sunday morning and go play golf.
He told his assistant he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.
He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried it an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.
An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?"
God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"
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Baptist, Catholic and a Charismatic
I heard about these three men, a Baptist, a Catholic and a Charismatic. They died on the same day and went to Heaven. Saint Peter met them at them at the gates and said "I'm sorry men, your rooms are not available yet." He didn't know what to do, so he decided to call Satan and see if he would keep them for a little while. Satan reluctantly agreed. A few hours later Satan called Peter and said "Peter, you've got to come get these guys. The Baptist man is saving everybody. The Catholic man is forgiving everybody. And the Charismatic has already raised enough money for air conditioning." |
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Bear & Minister
"I heard about this minister, he'd been out hunting all day long. He searched and searched through the woods, with no sign of a bear. Finally, in frustration, he through his gun down on the ground. He went down to the stream to cool off. About that time he sees this huge grizzly bear running at him, full force, about a hundred yards away. He fell down on his knees and said "God, I need protection. Please convert this bear into a Christian." Miraculously, the bear froze in his tracks, lifted both paws to the Heavens and said "Lord, thank you for this food I am about to eat." |
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New Police Recruit
A new police recruit was taking his final exam.
He was in front of this large classroom.
The Sargent asked him "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother-in-law?"
Without missing a beat he said "Call for backup".
A new police recruit was taking his final exam.
He was in front of this large classroom.
The Sargent asked him "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother-in-law?"
Without missing a beat he said "Call for backup".
Burglar
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his pack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
"Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a birdMoses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiller Jesus."
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his pack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
"Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a birdMoses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiller Jesus."
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Time and Eternity
A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God. "God", he said, "how long is a million years?" God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute." The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?" God answered, "To Me, it's a penny." The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?" God said, "In a minute." |
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God Grants a Wish
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer when all of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord grant me one wish". The sky clouded and a booming voice said, "Because you have tried to be faithful I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want to." The Lord answered, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific; the concrete and steel it would take. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time to think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me". The man thought for a long time and finally said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know what they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy?" After a few minutes God said, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?" |
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They call us Monkeys
Someone posted this on Instagram which many found humorous.
Someone posted this on Instagram which many found humorous.
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